|
| |
To those of you crying out in pain,
thinking suicide is the only way for the pain to stop, this
writer offers you these words of hope and testimony of freedom and joy.
(Written by one who is now far more than a survivor and is helping
others to get free. She was challenged to write one who was
suicidal and talk her out of in within 20 minutes and she did!)
I'm
So Glad I Didn't Commit Suicide!
A year ago, I came within minutes of a
successful suicide. All of my possessions were laid out. My will was
completed. Correspondence to family and friends was finished. Even my
funeral wishes were on paper. I was furious when, for a few moments
hours later, I regained conscious just long enough to see the hospital
white lights and scream, "How the hell did I get in here
again?!" I was still alive and furious. I didn't know
how I was rescued but I was mad. The hospital staff kept me
sedated for 3 days while they did respiratory and cardiac therapy and
assessed the damage to my body.
During the psyche stay that followed, a
friend of mine died suddenly in a car accident. The shock woke me up.
Elizabeth's children prepared two years to be able to care for their
mother in their home until she died. Tragically, on the way back from
a wedding, Elizabeth died, leaving the children with a home furnished
for her needs. Who would guess that she would be taken home first? I
realized life is fragile and precious. We think we have a lifetime of
70-90 years yet any one of us can be gone in a heartbeat.
|
From that moment, I chose to live every day,
giving it to God in the morning. I determined to make my imprint on
today as though it were my last. What a turn-around!
"God-surprises" popped up every day. It has been an
exciting and very painful year. There are no
quick fixes here short of miraculous supernatural healing of the soul.
But my decision to treat each day as my last changed me.
|
 |
Since December 2003, I was in the ER 3
times in 3 months with a suspected heart attack. Then they thought it
must be GI related. In March I couldn't tolerate any food. Over
50 pounds has come off (which is a good thing). The best I could do was
chicken noodle soup or broth. Sleep was hard and I wanted answers. By
May I was near crazy. I was losing a pound a day and I couldn't eat. They
couldn't find what was wrong with me and wouldn't treat anything
without being sure. I was frustrated, angry, tired and miserable.
Every doctor's appointment meant waiting more weeks with no
suggestions for change.
One day I was picking up another lab
request. I burst into tears. My anger flashed. The nurse gave me
a hug, then permanently changed my attitude by saying "You
will get through this. People do this every day all over this
city." That night it was obvious I wasn't going to get much
sleep. I asked God to show me what the nurse meant. My thoughts went
to cancer patients, exhausted, in pain, having trouble breathing,
hungry but unable to eat, bodies unable to move for disturbing a
wound site. People in traction who depend on others to see them
cry and to wipe their tears away. My dear friend who just lost her leg
to gangrene! She is DID with 3 children and her husband just finished
surgery and treatment for brain cancer. Yet she is growing and
maturing so beautifully! I can't imagine how she's adjusting but God
is showering her with His Love and Grace. A baby struggling to live.
An exhausted mother who dares not sleep lest her son die in the night.
In comparison, my life wasn't that hard.
I had no reason to complain.
I decided to live and be thankful for the
gifts God has given me. I chose to
rejoice in His love for me because He is God and deserves our praise
no matter what the circumstances. I chose to embrace suffering and be
thankful for opportunities to run into God's heart, asking Him for
comfort, strength, wisdom, and peace, etc. I accepted the fact that my
doctors didn't want to further complicate things by adding
medicines that may not be helpful in finding answers and that I, like
so many others but to a far lesser degree, had to learn to adapt and
endure. How I endured would be a personal choice. You disagree? You
think I'm minimizing your pain? Not at all. I've been there for
way too many years.
Choice is what the abusers stole from us.
God will not violate our choice. To God, our choice is precious. It is
by choice we love Him. It is by choice we accept His payment for our
sin. It is by choice we bow down before Him and worship Him. By choice
we dance in adoration in front of Him. It's by choice we open our
hearts bare and let Him see what we can hardly stand to see ourselves.
To move from victim to survivor to overcomer to thriving requires
choosing to trust Him, what's written about Him in Scripture and
choosing faithfulness to Him. Just as trust grows with a
therapist, pastor or friend, we build a history of trust with Jesus
that leads us to increasing insights of His goodness, which leads us
into intimacy and a love relationship with Him that satisfies all the
deep yearnings of our stripped down hearts. A relationship requires
time, effort, risks, trust, honesty, communication, questions, listening
and time, time, time. Falling in love with Jesus is the key to
abundant living here on earth. It does require choices on our part.
|
When I'm in pain, I can run to God and
tuck myself into His heart, thanking Him that He's in control, that
He's present, He's watching over me and He's building in me a heart of
gratitude, praise and worship. I can also whine, cry, complain, accuse
God of all sorts of things He's not guilty of and ride a downward spiral
of despair, anger, stress, blaming, bitterness and self-centeredness,
leading me towards suicide. A single choice affects everyone around
us like ripples in a pond caused by throwing a single stone into it.
Will it be a life stone or a death stone you choose
to throw in the pond?
|
 |
Moses explained to the Israelites all the
blessings and curses God set out for them in a manual for living. Then
came the personal choice; the personal decision: "I lay
before you life and death. Choose life!"
Yesterday is over. We can't change it but
we can learn from the past. Tomorrow isn't here and we can't solve
tomorrow's problems today. Jesus made it clear--there's enough trouble
within each day. I'm to keep my focus, energy and choices available
for how I engage life today. Today is all we are promised. Suicide is
future focused. Suicide is a death stone that will send out ripples of
pain. The future seems impossible to endure given the overwhelming
pain of today.
God promises grace sufficient for today.
He promises a way of escaping all our temptations. He assures there is
a way to find His rest and grace each day, no matter what we face. He
is always with us, whether we "feel" His Presence or not. He
promised to never leave us or forsake us (abandon or reject us). Talk
to Him. Tell Him everything. He already knows it all so why not share
your inmost thoughts and "secrets." Cry with Him. Let
Him hear your anger, your turmoil, your despair. Then be still. Listen for
Him. Begin to thank Him. Can you identify 100 things you are thankful
for? Take some time. Look around you. There are hundreds of things.
Then praise Him for His watchful care over you, His promises to heal
your broken heart and to give you life abundant. Let your praise
transition into worship until God's peace soothes your tormented soul.
Then list another 100 things you are thankful for. Every time you move
through this process Jesus will reveal more of Himself to you and heal
your pain. Trust will take root and grow.
You likely are saying, "Are you nuts?
I can't do that! You don't understand how much I hurt and how far away
God seems!" I do hear you. I feel your pain. It's taken me 10
years to be free from almost 40 years of trauma, pain and tragedy. I've
learned the value of my choice. Please
keep your heart open to hear me out for just a minute.
Life is a series of choices made every
moment of the day. I choose to stay in bed under my blankets or I
choose to change my attitude and put my feet on the floor and get up.
The only two things I am able to control in life is my choice
and my attitude. We think we can control so many other
things but it's simply not so. Just like each destructive choice
leads to hurtful consequences, so do healthy choices lead to healing
opportunities. The CHOICE is always mine.
And the great part? There's so much freedom in choosing the best path;
the high road; the road to healing; the path to rest.
I've lived these principles. I've
anguished over facing the truth of taking charge of my choice and
attitude and trusting God for everything else. I've risked trusting
Him when it seemed hopeless. He gives us peace in the storms of life
but my choice and attitude are my responsibility. I look backwards now
over the span of my life and I can't find pain anywhere. My life is my
own for the first time in 49 years. My spirit is free, trusting and
playful like a child. There's also a maturity that only
comes by learning to test out God's character and principles that He
gives us for our good. We choose to risk opening our hearts bare
to Him even when it seems there's no
change. He is faithful. His healing will come. His Presence will
become your safe place, your recovery place, your resting place.
Keep your eyes fixed on Jesus. Give Him
everything that holds you back, slows you down or stops you from
finding Jesus as your Best Friend. Ask God to make you hungry to know
Him; to fall in love with Him. The path isn't easy. A rare treasure is
hard to find and costs us great amounts of time, energy, honest
searching, sacrifice, endurance and patience. But when that treasure
is found!!! Oh the joy. The peace. The thrill of possessing something
that is rare, altogether lovely and precious, knowing no one can steal
it for it's your gift from God - the gift of Himself living and loving
inside of you. Enjoy "pillow talk" with Jesus, Who loves you
more than you can ever fathom. One day you will understand some of how
God dances wildly with every thought of you when your heart races,
your feet dance and joy, giggles and smiles erupt from your heart
with every thought of Him. Pray with David, "Give me an undivided
heart that I may worship you."
Conquered and compelled by His Love,
|
|
