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Whether you are the type of person who seeks to get all your needs met by
another person and therefore feel accepted and valued, or you are the one
who strives to meet all the needs of another person and therefore earn
acceptance and value, the end result is the same; you become tired and
worn out, exhausted in your own efforts to control people so they
conform to your standards in order for your needs to be met or tired and
worn out from trying to meet the needs of the other. You may feel
inadequate, unacceptable, without value, shame.
I struggled daily in this area because I
believed I was only acceptable and valuable if I met the total needs and
standards of the people I sought acceptance from. Each time I failed to
please a significant person in my life, I felt like a failure, a loser,
a mistake, inadequate, worthless. I was totally devastated and I
tried all the harder to please the other and to meet all their needs.
When I thought I had it all figured out and I thought I was performing
well, the standards would change unexpectedly and I would discover that I
had not done what was expected of me. I was expected to be a mind reader
and to know what the unstated standards are. I lived in constant fear
of making mistakes because any error on my part resulted in anger from
the person I sought acceptance from. To me, their anger equaled rejection,
an indictment that I was unworthy and unacceptable. I grew tired of
performing and often prayed that God would just go ahead and take me to be
with Him because I was unable to meet the needs of those I loved the
most. I believed I was a miserable failure!
Do you see the different lists of
expectations here? On the one hand is a person with a list of standards
which focus on the things another person will do in order to meet their
needs. On the other hand is a person whose list of standards focus on
their own behaviors in order to meet the needs of the other and thus to
receive acceptance from the other. In both cases, each person is seeking
his or her value from another person. In both cases, each person uses
a variety of methods to control the situation and the other person so
that their own needs are met. In both cases, neither person considers
what God's standard is or, at worst, they have rejected God's standards
for acceptance.
What is the source of all these
different lists of standards? Let's turn to Genesis 2:25 and read
through 3:10. (Read the scripture straight from the Bible).
Although God had already said their
nakedness was acceptable, Adam and Eve had their own list of
standards. Using their own list, they judged their nakedness as
unacceptable and then they tried to fix God's oversight by sewing fig
leaves together to cover themselves. However, they felt shame when they
used their standards to determine their acceptance to God (they hid from
His presence). God had already said their nakedness was very good, but
they made a judgment using their own list of standards.
Unfortunately, we have inherited the sin
nature of Adam and we also make our list of expectations of what is
acceptable and what is not acceptable.
Not too long ago, the Lord revealed to me
that my emotional and spiritual distress was not the result of the real
rejection I was receiving from the significant people in my life. Rather,
the distress was the result of my sin. Just as Adam and Eve had become
gods unto themselves, I too had become a god unto myself. And I was
guilty of having other gods before the one true God, Jesus Christ. I was
seeking my value from what others said about me. Not only that, I was
guilty of playing god for other people, trying to meet their needs and
attempting to control life situations. I was guilty of breaking the first
commandment. Exodus 20:3 says: "You shall have no other gods before me."
The Holy Spirit convicted me of spiritual idolatry or spiritual adultery;
both terms mean the same thing. Spiritual idolatry is the attempt to get
your needs met from human sources rather than God, who is the only Source.
Although at first this rebuke from the Lord stung me to the core of my
very being, I thought I loved Him completely, I had to agree with Him. As
long as I was seeking my value from human sources, I did not love the Lord
my God with all my heart and with all my soul and with all my strength. I
confessed my sin and I repented of this sin. God then gently brought
me into a much closer relationship with Him. This is what I have
learned.
The lists of standards we put on ourselves
and others are heavy yokes of burden. Jesus calls us saying, "Come to
me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.
Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in
heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy
and my burden is light."
Jesus' yoke is grace. God's word
tells us what he requires. It tells us who we are. His list
never changes. Jesus is the same yesterday, today, and forever. We
must seek our value and needs from God. He is our only source.
He alone can meet our needs. Jesus said in John 6:35, "I am the bread of life. He who comes to Me
shall never hunger, and he who believes in me shall never thirst... the
one who comes to me I will by no means cast out." Jesus is saying here He
will meet all our needs and he will not refuse us when we believe in
Him. This frees us up to extend grace to all. He alone decides what
is right and wrong. He alone is the judge. We are to walk in grace, for
ourselves and for others. We don't need to perform for God. He created
us. He knows us. He died for us while we were still sinners. He's
waiting for us with outstretched arms. He has proclaimed we are valuable
not because of anything we have done or haven't done, but because He says
it is so. Jesus died for us not just for the salvation of our souls but
also to give us freedom to live according to His plans and purposes for
our life.
When we walk according to our sinful
nature and commit spiritual adultery, either in the role of a god or
expecting another person to be our god, we will not have the peace that
Christ has promised. Instead we will have strife, envy, division,
malice, and hatred. James 4 asks: Where do conflicts and
disputes come from?
You want something and do not have it (you want your standards to be
met but they are not being met) and so you commit murder.
Is this something in your life you need to
repent of? Jesus said a tree is known by the fruit it produces. (Luke
6:44) Examine the fruit in your most significant relationships
with others.
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Do you get angry if they don't do what
you want them to do?
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Do you try to change or fix the other
person?
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Do you blame? "If you didn't do such and
such I wouldn't be unhappy." "You make me feel this way!"
-
Do you have a list of things they must
do for you in order for you to feel accepted?
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Do you sulk and shut off communication
with the person who doesn't live up to your expectation?
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Do you challenge: If you really loved
me, you wouldn't do or you would do?
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Do you shame the person? "I can't
believe you did that! What's wrong with you?" Weren't you
thinking about me? What will other people think?"
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Do you try to fix yourself (to fix the
other?) "If I get myself straightened out then He/she will change."
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Do you compromise yourself to be
accepted?
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Do you spend more time examining the
faults and shortcomings of the other?
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Do you use the Bible to drive a person
to change?
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Do you check to see how well they are
following the Scriptures? (compared to you?) Do you exert pressure to
get them to obey the scriptures they "ought" to be obeying?
Our job as Christian spouses, parents,
fellow believers is not to drive each other to perform well- our job is
to learn God's plan and to apply it personally.
No man or woman is powerful enough to
provide life and value to another. We weren't created by God to
"fix"
other people according to our own standards. Jesus was given to provide
life and value to each one of us and God alone determines the standards.
God once gave me a vision of a little
girl riding along in the back seat of a car. She totally trusted her
father to drive safely as they traveled through the very busy city
streets. She was so filled with trust for her father that she was
oblivious to the traffic. In the same way, God has called me to fully
trust in Him (his standards) and not worry about the performance of anyone
else.
I still struggle with spiritual
idolatry. The reason why this is such a fight is because we have a
Source we cannot see. Right now we live among people and are surrounded
by things we can see. Therefore, it is a fight to keep drawing our sense
of value and acceptance from this unseen Source. And all the while, most
of what we see and hear demands that we measure up to someone's external
standard in order to be acceptable. In this fight we will sometimes
experience hurt feelings because of the words spoken about us, false
accusations, the demands for performance, or the actions of others. And
sometimes we will not know how to appropriately behave ourselves.
There seems to be such a fine line between
a healthy expression of love and becoming someone else's god. Therefore,
it is important to surround ourselves with grace-full people who will
point us toward God's grace, not toward our performance or how things look
or what people think. And it is important that we extend grace to
others instead of expecting them to conform to our list of standards.
God must be the only source of standards. We will do well to remember
what Gal. 5:1 says: "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free.
Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of
slavery" (to standards other than God's)
As Christians, God is our Source. He
is our need-meeter, our vindicator, our defender, the one who has the
last word on our value and acceptance. We are not valuable and acceptable
to God because of how much money we make, the clothes we wear, the group
we hang with, our church attendance, or because we have been faithful in
our giving. Other people can think whatever they want - and they will.
What they say might feel hurtful sometimes - but they do not decide the
truth about us, God does. Jesus alone is the Way, the Truth, and the
Life.
There is a song we will be singing
soon that puts this total message in a nutshell.
"After
all is said and done, there is just one thing that matters. Did I do
my best to live for truth; did I live my life for You? Lord your
mercy is so great, that you look beyond our weakness. And find
purest gold in miry clay, making sinners into saints."
Let us pray.
Lord Jesus, thank you for loving us
enough to die on the cross for our sins. We are grateful that there is
now no condemnation to any of us because we are in You. Forgive us for
making our own lists of standards. Cleanse us from spiritual idolatry.
Because every believer's sin has been forgiven and cleansed by your blood
we ask you to keep us from judging another person according to our own
standards and expectations. Your love for us is unconditional and
everlasting. We open our heart and life to your love; flow that love
through us so that we too can give unconditional love to all you bring
into our lives.
You know everything
about us and yet you have accepted us just as we are in the beloved. You
made each of us unique and special to fulfill your plan. Thank you for
our bodies, our abilities, our parents and spouses which you designed as a
part of your perfect plan. Thank you for how you have uniquely created
each of your children. Cause us to accept your children and to not place
on them our own list of expectations (standards). Thank you for the Holy
Spirit who lives within us to empower us to obey you in this.
You meet all our needs
and we do not need any other source to fill our needs. You have given us
all spiritual blessings in Christ. Thank you that you are perfecting in
each of us your plan. Thank you for not giving to any of us the
overwhelming task of perfecting another person according to our own
personal list of standards.
Father, how good it is
to be your child. That makes us your responsibility. You are faithful
even when we are not. Even now you are changing us bit by bit into your
image. Please help us to give ourselves completely to you, to love you
with all our heart, with all our soul, and with all our strength. And to
love others as you have loved us.
All praise, honor and
glory to you, Lord God almighty. Amen. |
